Posts Tagged 'Coda'

Big Hearing Girl

Image“There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in.”          Graham Greene

 After years of living under the watchful eyes of Grandpa and Aunt Jane, my mother and father bought our new house the summer of 1963.  Buying that house was a big deal for them because Mommy and Daddy were Deaf and after a lifetime of struggle and exclusion this house was a declaration of faith in themselves and more importantly their independence.  

385 Buffalo Avenue was a city house, a big yellow and brown two-family in the old section of town.  It sat at the intersection of two busy, noisy streets which really didn’t matter to my parents because they couldn’t hear it.  We were sandwiched on one side by Sonny’s Sweet Shop where you could buy candy, cigarettes and girlie magazines and by the Garcia’s house on the other which was so close to ours that on hot nights when they were playing cards at their kitchen table, I could press my nose up against the screen in my dark bedroom and see who had the best hand.  

That summer, we settled into our new, free life.  My parents threw parties and cookouts for housefuls of people, all of them Deaf.  It something they never did at the old house and I guessed that it was because they didn’t feel like the other backyard belonged to them.  Their friends were always laughing and signing as they turned the chicken legs on the grill or put mercurochrome on a skinned elbow.   I loved to watch their hands dance through the air like confetti even though I knew it wasn’t polite to eye-drop, which is the Deaf version of eavesdropping.  

My parents friends were always on “Deaf time” which meant they came early and left late. They came early because it was their one chance to connect with their tribe and at the end of the night their hands lingered on every last moment that they had to talk and be understood.  

These were people who went to jobs in hearing factories, print shops and filing rooms working silently with their heads down until they punched the time clock. They shopped in hearing stores handing their deli lists to the counter clerks and worshipped in hearing churches where they wrote their sins down on a piece of paper slid them under the confessional door and waited for the priest to write their penance and slide it back out.  Even in the homes that they grew up in most of their families couldn’t communicate beyond a gesture or a home sign or a note.  

That summer we moved into the new house was special for me too because I was finally going to turn six years old and become a big girl.  I hated being treated like a baby; having to wear a sweater when I wasn’t cold, being forced to eat what I was told and a hundred other things that I was sick of.   It was obvious to me that turning six would change all of that.  

In school I would no longer be a little kid who went a half a day to kindergarten.  I would be in 1st grade, wear a uniform, write with a thin pencil and sit my own own desk.  On television the Beaver and Timmy and Lassie were free to roam around to do whatever they wanted to. 

Even in the eyes of God I was grown because Sister Mary Concepta told us that “the age of reason” was when you were held accountable for your own sins and could go to hell.  Technically I knew “the age of reason” was seven but since I understood right from wrong and was tall for my age I figured God would let me slide.  

My birthday party was held outside on a warm July night.  We had hotdogs with buns and the women brought dishes of Ambrosia salad, deviled eggs with parsley on top and the men brought cigarettes and Schlitz beer, which to my enchantment was aways was advertised as blended with “just a kiss of hops”.   After everybody had eaten supper and the sky was becoming burgundy-gray someone turned on the porch light so the Deaf could see each other to talk.  The bulb attracted dozens bugs and I always wondered how a single light could draw so many insects come together at one time.  

Mommy brought out a homemade Duncan Heinz cake and the light from the candles made her face sparkle like a holy saint in a stained glass window.  All the kids at my party ooohed and ahhed because it was time.  With faces shiny from buttered corn, we shimmied in between the adults and everybody sang “Happy Birthday” which was a mess.  Our parents would start the song, some of them signing, some of them using their Deaf voices which sounded like they were squealing or growling, and then us kids would join in trying to follow one or the other. 

When I blew out the candles I made two wishes; one for a Chatty Cathy doll that talked when you pulled a string and the second wish, my serious wish was for Mommy and Daddy to start treating me like I was a big girl.  

 “What you wish for?”  Mommy signed as she bent over to hug me. 

I shook my head “no”.  

It was a perfectly ridiculous question because everyone knows that if you told, your wish doesn’t come true.    Then Janey’s father who was almost as handsome as my father lifted me high into the air and passed me from person to person so they could kiss me and gave me six birthday spanks for good luck. When my feet finally touched down I was dizzy but it didn’t matter because it was finally time to open my presents.  

I wasn’t much interested in the cards but Mommy made me open them first, the bills fluttering into my hands like big green snowflakes.   After what seemed like an interminable amount of envelope handling and hugging I was allowed to tear the wrapping paper off of the first present.  Daddy tried to horn in and help me.   

“I can do it myself”, I mouthed him so he could read my lips.  I got a few puzzles, some clothes, and Puffs which were candy cigarettes that I was forced to share with everybody.  I also got pick up sticks which Mommy took away later that night saying that they were too dangerous but as she pulled out the last box I knew what it was right away.  It was Chatty Cathy.  And because my first wish came true I was positive that my second one would be also be granted and I was more than ready for my new life. 

After the cake and the presents were done we ran around the yard screaming our heads off safe in the knowledge that no one could hear us and try to shut it down.  And our mothers took turns putting their hands on Chatty’s chest and then pulling her string to feel the vibrations when she talked.  Even then I knew that I was a child who was loved and I never doubted my place in the Deaf world.  

A few days into my sixth year the strangest thing happened.  Mommy and Daddy still acted towards me like I still five years old.  They treated me the same way they treated Baby Diana and she was only three.  I did not think this was right.  It didn’t make sense because I knew the alphabet, how to write my name and address.  I understood not to get into a car with strangers especially if they offered candy. I could say the act of contrition and tell time. I believed they were too careful with me and even though I didn’t know the word overprotective I understood exactly what it meant 

For weeks afterwards my hands would plead,

“I want a bicycle.  Everybody else has a bicycle”

“No” my fathers hands flapped.

I’m going to take a bath alone.

“No”

“Can I go play in the parking lot of Paulies Bar?

“No!”

No matter what I asked for the word that tumbled off their fingers was always the same “no, No, NO!”   I grew to hate the sight of their pointer and middle fingers bouncing off their thumb, the sign for no.  All the other kids in the neighborhood had chores and allowances.  They were allowed to cross the street and walk to the park without their Mothers.  Jorge’ next door was even allowed to steer his father’s car and he was younger than me.  What was worse was that he bragged about it.  “My Dad says that pretty soon I’ll be driving”. 

“Well I’m allowed to stay up until 9:00 every night” I lied, just to get even.

“It’s not fair”, I’d sign over and over again to my parents until I started to sound like Chatty Cathy who was now broken.   I felt like I was trapped between the never and the now.  I was sure that they treated me like a baby because they were Deaf and didn’t understand how hearing people who talked English did things.  I knew this because Dougie Koos had the same problem and his family was from the old country and only spoke Albanian.

Later that fall, after much pestering, Mommy didn’t always make me hold her hand on our way to school. Sometimes I even dared to walk a little in front of her which she didn’t like because she couldn’t talk to me if I couldn’t see her but I didn’t care.

And then it happened one day in November the nuns dismissed us early.  It was exciting, like the unexpected gift of a snow day generously bestowed.  In the playground which also doubled as a parking lot, many of the mothers were already waiting for their kids.  Mrs. Miller had on a black chapel veil with big sunglasses which I thought looked stupid because it wasn’t even summertime and Mrs. Washington, who was the only colored mother in the entire school, was crying and held a ratty Kleenex to her nose.  

Even Sister Mary Concepta, the meanest nun in the whole school wasn’t yelling her head off but quietly prayed on the big rosary that hung from her waist as she directed traffic.    

“Why was everyone unhappy” I wondered and I tried to look sad just to fit in.  Some of the older girls, the popular ones, stood around blubbering and I thought they were probably just showing off.  Then (breath) it occurred to me that my mother wouldn’t be coming to pick me up because the school couldn’t call her because we didn’t have a telephone.

My parents always said that since they couldn’t hear we didn’t need a phone.  Besides they thought phones were only to be used for important business and if they needed to get business done they either did it in person, sent a post card or had Aunt Jane make the call for them.

Standing in the school yard that day, I realized that with no mother coming I could walk home by myself and no one would ever have to know.  I tried to look casual and nonchalant as if walking home alone was something that I always did.  Then when no one was looking I ran down the street, my arms pumped and my knee socks puddled around my ankles and I felt like a puppy who had just found a hole in the fence.   Breathless and breathing, I made a quick stop into Sonny’s to buy some candy with a dime I had filched from Aunt Janes’ purse.  I was always stealing money from this purse or that but no one ever noticed.

 I loved going into the Sweet Shop because Sonny’s was the hangout for everybody who thought they were somebody.  The guys were always kidding around, smoking and betting on the ponies.  Sometimes they even bought me candy because I was “Deaf Charley’s kid” and I liked that, but today as I walked into the store they listened to the radio mutely and I got a funny feeling in my stomach like something wasn’t right.  

At home Daddy’s white Chevrolet was parked in the driveway.  I panicked because he worked till 11:30 on the second shift.  Somehow he had must have found out that I had disobeyed them and now I was going to get into trouble.  I stood in the hallway eating milk duds trying to figure out my lie but when I crept into the house I saw that Mommy and Daddy were just standing in the dark living room.  Mommy was holding my baby sister Diana and crying and Daddy, still in his work clothes, was comforting them.  I had never seen Mommy cry before but even more remarkable to me was that the television was on.  It was never allowed to be on during the day, ever, that was the rule.  

I waited in the doorway and Daddy saw me he made a little space in their circle without saying a word and we stood there together for a long, long time.  It felt nice to be close to them and I started to cry too. But I didn’t know why.

We all sat on the sofa and started to watch the television in the afternoon but no matter how many channels we changed there were no cartoons, soap operas or commercials on so I tapped Daddy on the knee. “Why is there only news on?”.   

Daddy looked to me “What did the man say”?     

“I don’t know the sound not on”.  So Daddy adjusted the knob, watching for me to tell him when it was loud enough.  

Mommy thumped her foot on the floor to get his attention as she put baby Diana down on her lap so she could use her hands.  “Leave her alone, she’s a little girl.”  

My father shook his head in complict agreement.

I jumped up, “No I’m not, I can tell you.” And I planted myself right next to the television. My heart was pounding in my chest and I felt giddy and scared but most of all I felt like I had to pee.  I tried to concentrate on what the man in the glasses was saying, but he talking about the President and using big words.  Words I didn’t understand, like motorcade and sassination. 

“Why would anybody shoot the president?”  I thought to myself.   “He’s so handsome!”   

Daddy tapped me on the shoulder but I shrugged him off. 

“Wait let me think.”  The floors and walls disappeared around me leaving only the blue flickering light and my parents steady gaze.  

“OK. concentrate”, I thought to myself,“Sassination” means killed but depository?  I didn’t know what depository meant.  Then I remembered that Daddy deposited money into the bank.  

Then, in that moment of absolute clarity everything fell into place.  I was proud and calm as I looked right into my parents eyes and signed: “The President was shot in his car and a bank robber killed him.”

The rest, of course is history.  But they never did figure out who shot Kennedy, so I’m not necessarily wrong.  Now as I look back I realize that on that day in November of 1963 everything changed for me.  It was the day that I became my parents ears and voice, their connection to the hearing world.  I had finally become a big girl. 

I Haiku- Do You?

Haiku?

Up until 7th grade poetry was either boring or stupid and often both at the same time.  I was never really moved by Carl Sandburgs’ “Fog comes down on little cat feet” Although I can still recite it by heart- and recite it with meaning. Rhyming couplets were especially hard to write because of the iambic pentameter thing.  And the limerick, I thought those kinds of poem had potential. They were funny and sometimes dirty but they had to be five lines long, written in a particular sing-songy rhythm that had an AABBA rhyming scheme and that was even harder. Then there was poetry-poetry, which was just complicated and didn’t make any sense- ever.  But the haiku was Japanese and had a lot going for it.  It was short, only three lines, but the thing that gave haiku its haiku-ness was the number of syllables in each line, 5-7-5.  I could do syllables and not everyone in my class could.  Haikus didn’t have to rhyme and most of the ones in our English book were about everyday things like rain and flowers.  And even the weirdest ones were easy to understand.

The first cold shower; 

even the monkey seems to want 

 a little coat of straw.        Bashō: 

This was poetry for the people!

I’ve always considered myself a writer; a playwright actually, penning such works as “The Christmas Ornament” which had a fireplace, a manager scene, 26 lines and a cast of 13.  Playing all the parts I would sign the dialog to my Deaf mother as she typed it. I could often complete an entire work in just under an hour since she used a manual typewriter so there was no going back.  But after mastering the one act play genre I longed for a different creative outlet.

My previous attempts at writing poetry in the 5th & 6th grades often fell flat.  They were full of clichés and awkward rhyming.  But haiku?  Haiku I could do.  Mrs Valenz, one of the pretty teachers who wore plaid miniskirts and go-go boots, judged my first endeavor into the art form a critical success.

We wait for robins 

hopping on the new spring grass,

flying in blue skies. 

This ode to spring was praised for interesting subject matter and correct syllabification.  I was burbling with pride.

I did most of my haiku-ing with Carmel Vena, my best friend.  She was skinny, buck toothed and by far the best poet I had ever met but she was never a bragger.  But when her haiku was chosen to be hung on the bulletin board I got jealous and acted a little mean towards her just to get even.  We wrote haikus about our classmates, the cats in the alley, the new purple vests we wanted and we wrote about our families.

I hate my parents.

They never hear what I say

Not because they are Deaf

I wrote because I liked it.  I wrote because my Deaf parents didn’t understand the hearing me, but mostly I wrote because one afternoon Jeffery Hazlet leaned over to me and said, “Hey, Haiku Girl, can I borrow a piece of paper?”  It was an extraordinary moment in an ordinary life, I was considered a poet, a Haiku Girl, by the cutest boy in the 7th grade.  Haiku not only expressed my emotions but helped me figure out what I was feeling and why.  By the time winter ended I was writing hardcore haikus about black sucking voids and Vietnam.

War; man against man.

Protesters against the man.

We fight at what cost?

I used haiku to tease out the mysteries of life and the most touching and most profound were centered, of course, around love.

Sonny how could you?

Is she prettier than me

or is she a whore?

I wrote because had something to say and no one to say it to.  I wrote because I thought my voice was important to my generation and I wrote to become famous.  Although I pooh-poohed getting my haikus published, it was considered “too establishment”, I did like the idea of reciting my poetry before an audience.  Maybe I would travel around with a folk singing group who drove a VW bus from gig to gig performing for hippies, yippies and beatniks. (Although I wasn’t quite sure of what a beatnik was.)  With haiku my future was pregnant with possibilities especially after I didn’t make the choir.

Everyday is new

I start all over again.

Will it be the same?

Then one day it was over.  I just didn’t feel the need to document every emotion and observation that I had about myself and the world.  7th grade gave way to 8th and “The Raven” by Edgar Allen Poe and basketball games and holding hands with Thomas Costello.  And just like that I stopped being Haiku Girl and I stopped being Paula Rutkowski’s friend and it was OK.  They both were like a pair of dungarees that no longer fit. I still liked them but they had served their purpose and I was excited to get a new pair of Wranglers.

I miss Haiku Girl.  She was full of alienation and hopefulness, confusion and hormones. I miss how easily the words came to her and her unshakeable belief that she was an artist.  I miss how the inner censor who screamed so loudly in so many parts of her life was reverently, respectfully silent when she wrote haiku. There aren’t many of those haikus left. They’ve fallen victim to too many careless hands and too many careless moves.  But on those occasions that I do think about Haiku Girl and my younger self, I see a smoky coffeehouse full of beatniks in black berets and a dim spotlight shining on a lone solitary figure sitting on a stool reciting her favorite haiku.

My dreams are like stars

Even on the darkest night

they shine on and on.

Wonnerful

My Deaf Mother flips down the visor and studies her face in the mirror.  She is wearing her post cataract surgery sunglasses.  They’re the cheap, plastic kind that wrap around your head to seal out the light and seal in the dark.

“I look like Movie star”, she muses.

“You do, Mommy”.

The traffic moves like an old man getting up from a nap and we are driving into the eye of a perfect storm.  It’s a Wednesday afternoon which means the stores in the area give a discount to anyone over 65, which includes everyone in Holiday City, a retirement community of ten square miles of the same 6 houses differentiated only by their lawn ornaments.  My parents have lived here for twenty years along with a set of gnomes, a twirling pinwheel and 3 fairies that poke out from the shrubs. These are the shrubs that my father manicures in the front yard with a pair of kitchen shears so they are perfect.  He likes to use a level.

I am driving my father black 1987 Mercury Grand Maquis, it is Jersey after all, and we creep/roll/inch/ along route 37 East which intersects exit 82 of the Gardens State Parkway.  It the main thoroughfare through Holiday City and it is the only road into Seaside Heights, Seaside Park, Point Pleasant and Long Beach Island.  It is July, it is sunny, it is Senior discount day and I am on the only highway to the Jersey shore.

I glance over at Mommy who sits on the edge of the seat bolstered by a car pillow looking like a chubby origami bird.   She closes the visor shut with a raised, penciled-in eyebrow.  The snap says, “Damn you Arlene, you never listen to me.”

The stop and go traffic lights are every few blocks and at the entrances of Sam’s Club, Walmart, Rosata’s market, Panda Palace, Burger King, the community hospital, the grey medical building, the blue medical building and the brick medical building.  I bear down on a yellow-turning-red light and Mommy throws her arm across my chest to brace me.  The old don’t drive like this.  They are slower, more mindful.  I am angry and in a hurry to go nowhere fast.

Mommy raises her penciled eyebrow again. “We should leave more early.”

“It’s only 3 miles away.”

“You never know, I no wanna be late.”

“We’re fine, Ma.”

“I like early.”

“I know.”

“Maybe we miss the doctor.  Then what happen? ”

“We’re almost there.”

“You can’t fool around with the doctors.”

“You’re right.”

Mommy readjusts her sunglasses.  “I got glasses free.  I like.”

“They were not free.  You paid for them with the surgery, believe me, you paid for them.”

“It’s wonnerful, I can see everything.”  She says as she leans forward towards the windshield to look at the sky.

“Operation yesterday, today I can see.  Unabelieve.  Almost is clear 100% but still blur a very little.”  She points to her eyes and then gently rubs her splayed hands against each other in front of her eyes, the sign for hazy, unfocused.   We’re stopped and I am grateful for a red light because I am having difficulty shifting my gaze between her hands and the road and I realize I am out of practice.

Deaf people can drive and have full conversations, arguments even with everyone in the car, the back seat included.  Their eyes dart attentively between the rearview mirror, the road in front of them and the hands along side of them.  Daddy’s never had an accident in 61 years and in the one accident that Mommy’s had she was in a parked car.  Their insurance rates are amazing.

The traffic light changes and the car lurches forward.  It’s got a hare-trigger gas pedal that I’m not used to.  I am not used to a lot of things these days; blowing out 53 candles on the carvel ice-cream cake, my parents moving from our house on Buffalo Ave, living though another Chicago winter.  “Sorry” this car is different from mine.” my hand quickly signs.

A year ago my sister called and said that Mommy was wearing shirts with food and stains and when she tried to ask about it Mommy got defensive.  I didn’t give it another thought because Diana and my mother were always quibbling over this and that.   But when I went home for Christmas the kitchen counters were a mess, there was dust everywhere.  When I went to go clean it she would snip “Arlee, Why for you clean again?  I just did”.

“Look, Mom, it’s dirty.”

But she would shrug and turn away, a physical punctuation mark to let me know that “conversation over”.

“I no see nothing. You too much fussy.”

Nothing could be further from truth.  She was the fussy one.  My mother could keep house, do laundry, check homework, be chaufeur and make homecooked meals while holding a full time job.  Yes, Mommy was 83.  Yes, she had stenosis that gave her back troubles.  Yes, she had trouble sleeping but I knew she hadn’t slid into the abyss of old age.  Up until that point I had never allowed myself to.

When the opthamologist told Mommy that she had cataracts she balked by saying that “I see fine. doctors try steal money from old people.  I know their way”.  Later, she confided that she was scared to have the surgery because she was Deaf and didn’t want to be blind too.

“You know blind worse than Deaf.”.  I told her, “Mom Helen Keller said that blindness cut her off from things, but deafness her off from people”.  My mother made a face and said, “She no know what she talk about” and left it at that.

Prepping for the surgery, with the exacting and demanding schedule of eye drops every hour, was more difficult than the surgery itself.  Although the mere thought of staring into a blinding light while a laser peels away your cornea was enough to make my stomach blerg but I kept my trepidations to myself .  Daddy teased Mommy about divorcing him when she saw how he really looked.   After interpreting and getting Mommy situated, the surgery it was over in less time than it took me to read the old People magazine in the waiting room.

The surgi-center itself was sterile and austere and surprisingly deviod of color.  I didn’t know if it was just bad decorating choice or purposefully designed so the office wouldn’t be too overwhelming to the newly sighted because Mommy was speechless when she realized what the world really looked like.  “Unnabelieve”

In the car while I’m yielding to the GD cars coming out of the  GD I Hop parking lot Mommy shakes her head in disgust.

“You never listen.  You no know what the traffic is.  I know because I live here.  You want too much your own way.”

“You’re right, I was wrong”,  I say taking a banana out of my bag.  It occurs to me that it’s probabaly not a good idea to drive, eat and sign at the same time but I’m hungry.  Mommy senses this and peels it half way and hands it to me.  As I reach for my breakfast, I see them out of the corner of my eye; a jeep full of girls wearing bikini tops and the long-legged swagger of youth, and I am reminded of that summer.

It was the summer of fervent anticipation, five best girlfriends, and a rented house down the shore.  It was having a drivers license, a job, scorching tight jeans and our freedom.  It was the joy of being lifted by a lazy wave, the lure of being pulled by an undertow as powerful as first love and the sting of a shaved bikini line in the salty surf.

It was the summer of Sun-In and lemon juice that made blondes turn golden, redheads turn penny and brunettes turn orange.  It was the blistering looks from skittish mothers as they dragged their children away from the melee.  It was the silent exchange of smug glances at the women we vowed never to become.

It was the summer of surging beer shots and bong chasers, sleeping three to a bed and tiptoeing through a houseful of dozing bodies to make the noon shift at Maruca’s Pizza Parlor.  It was nursing sun burns, sand burns, whisker burns and rug burns with community tubes of Neosporin and aloe-vera.   It was letting ourselves be swept away by the endless flirting, the public make-outs and the sloppy breakups.

It was the simple, secret belief that we all would be young forever.

Mommy looks over at the girls, then back to me, takes the banana peel and puts it into a tissue.  “That was you a long time ago.”

“Thanks”

“Me too”.

“Yup”.

I watch her adjust the arm of her wrap-arounds where they bite into the soft skin above her ears. She sighs,

“Nothing stay the same.  Everything change.  That’s what life mean.”

“I know Mom.”Image

She smiles at the girls who bounce and sing along with Ke$ha’s, We R who we R and murmurs. “Unabelieve, I can see.  Almost is clear 100% but still blur a very little. It’s wonnerful.”

She tilts her head thoughtfully,

“Next time we should leave more early.”

A Christmas Love Letter to My Parents

Field of Deaf Dreams

I remember sitting in the car behind my father’s seat for the 2 hour drive to Alumni day at the Trenton school for the Deaf.  I am wearing a pale flowered shift made soft from afternoons of fluttering on the clothesline and I watch the anticipation in Mommy and Daddy’s hands as they talk of the day to come.  In my mind, I can see our green and white Ford coming over the rise of freshly mowed fields to dozens of people waving and hugging us in the warm, summer sun and of watching my parents become the center of many attentions.

I can call to mind mothers with pretty lipstick and being fed bits of chicken, racing with a hard boiled egg on a spoon and spelling-out my name, letter by letter, with my little girl fingers, showing off to the delight and admiration of the adults.

I think back on the pride I felt when Daddy took us into the cool, dark halls of the school building, pointing out the all the trophies that he had won as an athlete. A small group gathered to watch him talk about the Championship game of 1942 when his team travelled 3 exhilarating days by bus to Jacksonville, Illinois.

His eyes becoming wet while telling us that the school from Mississippi refused to play on a court with Trenton’s two “Colored” boys.  He puffed while up giving us a play by play of the last quarter when they battled point for point against the heavily favored hometown school, and he cried again telling us about how they came home to their cheering classmates who were all given the day off to celebrate. This was his house and we felt special to claim him as our own.

I have a memory of pollen scented air and running down a hill to throw my arms around my fathers waist from behind only to realize that it was not my father at all just an unrecognizable face wearing the same kind of khaki pants.  At first the face looked surprised and then laughing, he pointed across a wide playground where my mother was sitting on blue blanket under some shady trees.

I think back on swinging just before dusk next to a boy wearing a dirty shirt and watching our feet pump up and down past the horizon and when it was almost dark, I remember following my mother as she carried my sleeping sister to the car. I have memorized, my parents signing hands flickering above the lights of the dashboard as they talked about the day and of me staring out at the night sky to keep an eye on the those three stars in a row which I still believe follow me for protection.

I remember all of us and these memories have become my Madeleine to call back every happiness of my little girl life. I don’t know if these remembrances were from one Alumni day or the best of a dozen days sifted into one endless, dreamy loop.  All I know is that when we were there, the people around us became our mirrors; what we saw in their faces when they looked at us would become who we were.

I know that those small moments became bigger than any hurt or slight or feeling of inadequacy that Mommy and Daddy might have felt outside in the hearing world and that Alumni Day at The Trenton School for the Deaf sustained all of us.  When I unwrap these memories one-by-one as I so often do around the holidays, my fingers tingle, I sigh a happy sign and my heart titters at the slow-motion perfection of it all.  And then always, always these moments are followed by the single thought that I have such a lucky, lucky life.

Aiming for Sainthood

We wait, we wait and we watch.  You see all kinds in a hospital; fast businessmen in their expensive suits rushing in for the obligatory visit; the revolving door of nurses checking charts, offering encouragement and managing too many patients while their dinners get cold.  You watch the joyful hellos, long goodbyes and the crushing grief.

You pass room after room empty but for the sick that lie in them quietly watching TV.   And then there are the regulars, the spouses or children, usually the daughters, pale and tired who eat three lifeless meals a day, everyday in the cafeteria and smile at you in the elevator simply because they know you’re the same.

But in that hospital it’s the sounds that that that I remember most. They crouch under beds and wander the hallways to keep you company.  It’s the sound whose secret heart holds, hope and faith, desperation and despair and it is the sound who hears the dozens of prayers offered up in dozens of languages.  And when you’re in that hospital you are a part of it all.      Excerpt- Aiming for Sainthood


Deaf Club

People say that it takes a village to raise a child, I say, it take a Deaf Club to raise a CODA.  I grew up the hearing child of Deaf parents.  When I was born, the Deaf community rejoiced, the neighbors speculated and the extended families worried.  “Don’t teach her sign language or else she’ll never learn how to talk”, my Aunt Jane warned again and again.  But Mommy and Daddy trusted their instincts and the first sign I learned was milk; my 2 fists rubbing up and down on each other as if milking a cow.  Mommy still boasts, “Nobody thinks that Deaf can raise a hearing child.  But my daughter could and sign and understand perfectly when she was nine months old.  You that know that hearing children don’t talk until they’re two years old.  You tell me.”

The New Jersey Silent Club was an old storefront with N.J.S.C. carefully painted on the picture window in gold and black letters.  When my parents and their friends pushed open the heavy, wooden doors they were no longer the “Deaf one”.  They became Samuel the machinist, Lucy the flirt, Joan the mother of five, Bob the drinker or Flo the club accountant.  Deaf club was where Mommy fell in love with Daddy, where Daddy played penny poker most every Friday night, where we celebrated our holidays, watched subtitled movies on a giant sheet tacked to the wall and where I could go to the bar and get a cherry coke for free because I had a tab.  It was our union hall, our classroom, our corner tavern.   It was the heart and the soul of the Deaf community where I was petted and spoiled by people who didn’t think of themselves as disabled or broken.  They believed that they were just another culture with a different language.

Whenever I meet a Deaf person in a Starbucks, or on the El  we talk and connect like we are part of the same family, the same tribe.  And I always feel like I’m back at Deaf Club.

Arlene Malinowski

Aiming For Sainthood- excerpt

And then it’s New Years Eve.  A time when we atone for our sins, and start again.  I think a lot about amends and resolutions and about the time when I will have to choose my ½ of the magnets.

And I know that we are all bound to each other by a sticky web of history and grudges, debt and love and love and love. This experience has become a bookmark in my family’s story and this experience has healed me forever.  I have become a better daughter.

I never found my Springsteen poster but sometimes it’s good to leave the past behind.  But I also know that he’s a guy from Jersey, who got outta Jersey, who is still connected to Jersey- just like me.

On New Years day we all walk to 9:15 mass at Saint Brendan’s and I realize that perhaps the best way to start believing in God is to start searching for God.  And maybe, just maybe that’s the miracle. As I hold Mommy’s hand on the way to church I remember that as babies we all were rocked to sleep by our parents talking hands.  Excerpt From solo show- Aiming for Sainthood